Annnnnnnnnd We're Back!

Hello hello!

I know you all thought the blog was dead (I did too), but guess what... IT'S NOT! (Obviously, because this is a new post.)

So here is what happened... It was very traumatic really, the blog went into an induced coma after I decided to give up online dating.  Luckily it was not DNR, so when eHarmony offered me a marketing scheme that I was not able to pass up, we were able to resuscitate the blog.  Don't worry, the blog and I are attending couples' therapy and hopefully will be able to work together for a long time. (Well not too long because I hope to be able to dump the blog as soon as I find some guy to marry, but shh, don't tell the blog.)

ANYWAY

I think we're waaaaay overdue for a post, don't you? 

Let's begin with the guy I went on a date with last week, we'll call him Mr. Veggie Cat.  I met Mr. Veggie Cat recently on eHarmony
[eHarmony back story - eHarmony sent me an email with an offer of 3 months for $9.99 a month PLUS one month free.  I did the math and that is about $7.50 a month.  You know you would join too, I mean come on.]
Back to Mr. Veggie Cat...  So ok, from the get-go I knew that he didn't seem *the* most attractive guy, but you can never really tell from pictures, right?  Right??? :-/
So we meet up and first off I was not into the goatee.  Also, I would recommend flossing if he would like to keep his bottom teeth.  Beyond those two things, he was of a decent height and didn't smell bad, but by then I pretty much knew there wouldn't be more than a friendly awkward hug at the end of the date.

So we grab a table and order a beer and the first thing he brings up is the weather.  While some people I know might consider discussing weather the "armpit of conversation," I really don't mind it.  In fact, I find weather to be interesting and also a good filler for awkward pauses.  (After writing that sentence, I have become slightly paranoid that I am that friend that talks about the weather too much and my other friends talk about how I only ever talk about the weather behind my back...)  The weather that day was HOT.  The sun seemed to have a vendetta against all pale-skinned, sweat-prone people, and Veggie Cat just happened to be one of them.  I knew this because he told me in detail how sweaty he was.  Immediately I wanted to reach across and pull him by his sweaty button down over the table and engage in a passionate, never-ending kiss, but somehow I was able to gain some self-control.

After we discussed his schvitzing, we moved on to the topic of his vegetarianism.  Look, I don't care if someone eats meat, vegetables, glue, what-have-you, but I don't need to hear your entire argument about meat factories, chicken farms, etc.  I have read The Jungle, I just watched Food, Inc., I STILL want to eat a medium-rare steak.  Normally I would complain that we didn't get anything to eat, but I had lost my appetite (and for those of you who know me well, that is near-impossible, IMPOSSIBLE!).

After we discussed processed meats, we moved on to puppy mills.  Then we talked about his cat.  The thing about cats is that you either love them or you hate them, and I hate them, except for this one:

Peek...

A-boo!!!!

LOLZZZZZzz


So he was trying to convince me that I would just lovvvvvvve his cat, and if I came over some time, he would prove it to me.  He would also show me his garden that he tends to...in his laundry room... I know you're thinking he just has a little windowsill garden, but he assured me that his friend had given him a pile of dirt and gardening tools, so he started a garden in his laundry room.  I was pretty psyched to find someone that also shared my penchant for indoor gardening.  I've been looking for someone to help me mulch the living room.

The date ended as I predicted - awkward hug/pat on the back type deal.  He followed up with a very enthusiastic email suggesting a date to Taco Bell (I NEED to stop bragging about winning the Taco Bell eating contest at my old job while I am on dates.)  Unfortunately I had to treat him to my "I'm not interested email," and bid him adieu.

Until next time (and there will be a next time because I already have another story),

-K

Let's play a game!

Today's post is going to be a collection of interesting folks I've run across during my search for internet love. We're going to play a little game of "Would You Rather...".  Since I can't for the life of me, find a quiz to embed into the blog that also allows me to upload pictures, here is how we're going to play:
There will be 5 questions.  Submit your answers through the comment thingy (muah haha, my secret ploy to get comments!) and VOILA! you've completed the quiz.  (Yes, I am aware that this method is a bit caveman-esque and not really up with the technology times, but I don't have the energy to keep googling and searching through myspace glitter marijuana leaf animation how-tos to find a real way to poll you guys.  So deal.)

Ok. Let's do this!

WOULD YOU RATHER...

1. Share spaghetti and meatballs, Lady and The Tramp - style, with:

A. Holy shit! scary staring guy

OR

B. Guy with a bird on his head

                                                                                                                                                       


2. Have pink eye for a week

OR

Let Milli Vanillis' buff cousin rub you down in oil on the beach?

3. Go through puberty again

OR

Have this guy be your hair stylist for the rest of your life?

4. Throw-up on your second date with Vienna Sausages (or a cute girl, if you are a guy)

OR

Make your debut on live TV with this hombre as your salsa partner on Dancing With the Stars? Ole!

5. Be Sarah Palin's personal assistant for a year

OR

Star in a 5 minute porno with this guy:

Well kiddos!  That's the quiz.  Can't wait to see the results.  Please don't make it a sad quiz, where only one of you responds.

Huggies and Kisses,

K

Ahoy Mateys!

Hello all!
I'd like to make a special announcement.  I officially have 1 follower (who is not my mom, friend, or anyone I know, not that they follow anyway...)!!  Katie O., you are my new best friend forever!  Thank you for your love and support.  My gratitude is yours to keep and cherish forever.

So, I bet you all thought I had given up on the blog.  Well, I kinda thought about it, but then another dating disaster struck, and here I am!  So unfortunately for me, but lucky for you, I'm still typing away on the ol' laptop.

Today's blog post isn't going to be about a specific date that I went on - more of a creative writing piece (You'll see what I'm getting at).

So yesterday I was fortunate enough to receive a message (And this is on match.com now - and yes, I know I need to post reviews of the different sites.  Maybe I'll get all crazy and write two posts tonight.  Yippee skippee!  Let's just ignore the fact that it's Saturday night, ok?  Ok, enough with the parenthesis - go back and read what I started saying and come back to right here so that it makes sense) from a very special individual.  We'll call this guy Captain Zip Zop Zibidy Bop.  Now, I can't take all the credit for that unique nickname, as "Zip Zop Zibidy Bop" was the headline he used on his profile.  No, really.  Seriously.

And I give you: Captain Zip Zop Zibidy Bop.  Yes, those are the photos he used to try to seduce me on his profile. 

 (Captain ZZZB, if you ever read this, I'm sure you won't be offended.  You yourself said in your profile, "It would be nice to have someone who doesnt flip out when I make a joke about disabilities or ethnic groups (for example)...we're all just people. people are funny...and fun to make fun of.")


So you're probably wondering why I am referring to him as "Captain."  Well, there is a perfectly good reason for that.  He sent me a very eloquent message that he wrote in his native tongue, Pirate.

For your reading pleasure:

Subject: i dunoo
(not only was the subject "i dunoo," but he spelled "dunno" wrong... or maybe that is how they spell it out at sea)

Content of his message:

Ahoy! I'm           ...I have no idea what I ought to say to make me seem especially captivating, and im pretty sure regardless of the content of this message it first comes down to whether or not Im pretty enough for your taste. If so: Hello.

Good start me thinks

Kbye

Well, Hello!  After reading a message so beautifully penned, I started to think about what I would like to write back if I responded.

Here's what I drafted:

Ahoy Cap'n Zip Zop Zibidy Bop!

I am so thrilled that out of all the fish in the sea, you chose to send me that lovely email message in a bottle.  Until you, I was shipwrecked and stranded out on a desert island, filled with scurvy landlubbers.  Aye, me thinks I have found me buried treasure, at last.  You must have seen me "must love parrots" headline in me profile.  I had most of the buckos on here pegged as bilge-sucking swabs, pillaging for booty, but you've hooked me.  Please let me walk your plank and you can shiver me timbers any day.
Your wench,

K

p.s. poop deck

(just had to get that last one in)

And there you have it.  Think I should send it?

Just one of the many gems I have encountered as I've sailed the seven seas of online dating.

Arrrgh...

Date Numero Uno

Ok, what you've all been waiting for...  My first re-account of a date!

I need to preface this post with the fact that this first internet dating experience officially became *the* most embarrassing moment of my life, and I still cringe to this day thinking about it.  Not all posts will usually be this long, but this story is pretty epic...

After sifting through my 5-10 new matches each day on eharmony, I was beginning to get a bit weary of the process.  You're sent a few of these guys each day, and more likely than not you quickly retire them to your "Not Interested" folder, because lets face it, these guys are not pretty. Woof.

So when a cute guy was actually delivered into my mailbox, you better believe I freaked out and made Whitney Jackson (how we will be referring to my roommate) review his profile with me, line by line.  To keep things anonymous, we're going to refer to this guy as Vienna Sausages (no, it's not what you're thinking, he just happened to have these lips that kinda looked like Vienna sausages... ).  This guy was TDandH, an engineer, and seemed to have a somewhat decent personality.  Jackpot!  So I waited a day or two and finally got the nerve to send him my "First Questions."  Well, I just about peed my pants when I saw that he responded.  Funny how excited you can get over profile pics, witty statements, and answers to a few short questions. 

After going through a series of guided questions, we finally set up a date.  I was quite the nervous wreck as I prepared to meet Vienna Sausages for pizza.  The date was great - he seemed nice, normal, cute but in a weird looking way (remember, the lips), and liberal - wahoo!

(Side note: He did have somewhat long fingernails... Now, if you're a guy, you're probably thinking - Huh? But if you're a girl, I know what you're thinking - Omg, the fingernail thing!  Guys, read and learn - I think it's common knowledge amongst girls, that it is weird if you have longer nails than us, or even where we can see the whites of your nails.  Please, trim those things, or bite them if you have to, because that's just gross.)

So after the date ended, he texted me later that night to say he had a great time and that he wanted to see me again.  Points for not playing games! 

I should have known when he picked the restaurant for the second date that it was an omen for a bad date, but I let it go.  He chose to go to the sushi place close to my apartment.  I am a HUGE sushi fan, but the sushi at this place tastes like they soak the white rice in cleaning solution rather than vinegar.  Mini throw-up.

While the sushi was sub-par, we still enjoyed a glass of wine or two and some good conversation.  When we finished eating, it was still pretty early, so he asked if I still wanted to hang out more.. ummm duh.  I asked what he had in mind, thinking we'd just go to a bar and drink ourselves into a make out session.  He surprised me and said he would like to take me to an art exhibit at a theatre he likes to go to.  Wha??????  I was pretty sure I had just struck gold.  He liked art AND theatre??  Boy, was this guy in for a life of broadway musical singalongs with me.

After touring the smallest art gallery on the face of the earth, basically the tiny lobby of the theatre had a few paintings hanging up and they decided to call it a "gallery," we headed to a bar.  Now it was my chance to impress him with the fact that I was a girl and I liked beer - and not just light beer, REAL beer.  I think he was pretty impressed, because we ended up challenging each other with drinking things.  (Not exactly the best idea, right?)  So after some beers, I believe there was a shot involved, but the real kicker was chugging an Irish Car Bomb.  Classy K, classy.  I downed that car bomb faster than you can say 'K, it really isn't a good idea to chug a car bomb on a date, let alone ever, when you're a few beers in and only 5 feet small.  Why don't you put that down and get a tall glass of water, no?' (Yes, I'm aware you can't say all of that very fast, but it does take a bit of time to get a pint of Guinness down.)

After the car bomb, I was pretty darn proud of myself and my tough-girl drinking skills.  At this point, I was pretty psyched about getting walked home and that goodnight kiss - yay perfect date!  So we staggered our way to the metro and made it down to the platform.  As we were waiting for the train, a familiar feeling came over me and then all over the platform.  Why hello cleaning solution sushi - I knew you weren't a good idea!  I'm pretty sure Vienna Sausages was mighty mortified at the fact that his date just vommed all over the metro platform, but he held it together and got me on a train and back to my apartment.  I'm pretty sure i just kept my head in my hands, because the embarrassment I was going through was beyond any I had ever felt before.  Of all the nights to not black out from drinking, that just had to be one of them, because not remembering tiny little details, would be nice...  I mean really, can you imagine?????

The next morning I immediately began looking for razors to slit my wrists, but was interrupted when Whitney Jackson bounded into my room for a full recount of the date.  After being consoled by her and multiple others (thanks mom!), it was decided that I should call Vienna Sausages and apologize/beg on my hands and knees for him to give me another chance.  Well, guess what.  He did!  At this point, I knew we were definitely meant to be, because this would be the funniest story ever to tell at our wedding.

So date number 3 rolls around - this time I'm treating him to an awesome (read: really expensive) dinner at my favorite restaurant.  We got a few jokes out of the way about that minor mishap on the last date... and then proceeded to have a great time (I only drank one glass of wine) and go see a play.  He held my hand and at that point I felt things were in the clear.  We ended up going back to his place and making out ensued.  While at his apartment, I did  notice that he had eclectic taste in wall art.  I'm not sure I had ever met a guy that had two giant posters of Marilyn Monroe (just her face) hanging up in his bedroom, but minor details - right??
Later he drove me home, kissed me goodnight and said he would see me soon.  Back on track!!! 

Well, I texted him the next day saying I had a great time, and anxiously awaited his response.  And waited.  And waited.  Until the following evening, I finally received a text back.  I ran to Whitney Jackson's room to read the text out loud.  It was somewhat along the lines of:

'Thank you so much again for dinner Friday night, and going to the play with me.  I think you should know...'

Then I had to scroll down - but I was expecting it to say:
I think you should know... you're amazing and I want you to be my girlfriend
I think you should know... I've never had a date that great and I am so glad you still called me even after you vommed all over the platform on our second date
I think you should know... that I've replaced the giant headshot posters of Marilyn Monroe in my bedroom with pictures of you

Here's what it really said:
'...that I am trying to work out some personal issues, and so I'm going to take a break from dating for a while.  It was very nice meeting you.'

Um.  What?

Now, I know what you're thinking.  K!  You upchucked your sushi all over the metro on your second date, he's probably traumatized.  No wonder he wants to take a break from dating!
And look, I would totally understand if that was the case IF he had said that before the 3rd date... but guess what, he didn't.  Nooo.  Instead, he allowed me to take him out to a $$$$ meal, made out with me until the wee hours of the morning, said he liked me (forgot to mention that part before), etc.

So yeah, that sucked.  But here is the kicker:

He defriended me on facebook.

Really?  I totally get if you're not interested in someone, but defriending them?  Really?  That is just harsh.  After sharing my story with mom and several friends, it was decided that:

A. He was cheating on someone and they found out and he needed to defriend me
B. He was gay (helllooooooooooooo Marilyn Monroe & love of theatre)
or maybe, possibly, just a minor chance that he had
C. PTSD from me vomming on the metro

What do you think?

Hope you enjoyed my first eharmony date... more to come...

In the beginning...

And God said, Let there be online dating, and there was eharmony.

Before I really tried online dating, I had created profiles on match, jdate (I'm Jewish! It's allowed...), etc., just to take a look at what this online dating thing was all about.  It was a great thing to do after a break up - create a profile on a dating site, photoshop some decent pics of yourself, sit back and enjoy the attention.  Soon my email box was flooding with winks and messages, notifications that I had been hot listed or favorited, and at that point, I felt pretty damn good about myself.  Screw you real life guy that things didn't work out with!  I am hot stuff on the internets! (That sounded wrong.)

As fun as it was, things didn't get serious until my roommate, we'll call her Whitney Jackson (inside joke, deal.), signed up for eharmony.  Now she didn't just sign up and create a profile.  This was the real deal.  She paid money for it.  She was actually communicating with these guys and talking about setting up dates.  Of course, I was immediately curious and wanted all of the gossip on these potential guys.  She showed me pics and profiles, emails back and forth.  She seemed to be enjoying the experience, but I informed her there was no way I would actually join up.  Plus, eharmony hates on gays, and that is just wrong.

Now if you know me, you're thinking - Haha.  K always says she won't do this or that and then her curiosity get's the better of her and we get to hear all about it.  If you don't know me, you're thinking - I bet her curiosity got the better of her, because this whole blog is about online dating and if she didn't sign up for it, then this is probably the last post.

Well, guess what!  I gave in.  It started with me just creating an innocent profile.  eharmony makes you go through a whole questionnaire process, and let's be honest, I love myself a good questionnaire.  (Btw, Was anyone else disappointed that the Census didn't want to know much more about yourself?  Yes, I am White/non-Hispanic, but I also love buffalo wings, crafts, and would like to one day own a pug.)  So once I went through all that, and was "accepted" to the site, I was sent about 7 or so matches.  (I'll break down the matching process for the different sites in a separate post for you.)

7 matches, how exciting!  Not.  Only 7 matches?  What the hell eharmony?  I thought there were thousands of people signing up for this stuff everyday; I should have a bajillion matches to sort through and ogle.  Well, not only did I receive a overwhelming 7 matches, I also couldn't view their photos.  Apparently on eharmony, one of the benefits of paying for their services, is getting to actually see who you are matched up with.

I know what you're thinking - But it's on the inside that counts!  We all lose our looks in the end, so choose someone based on their profile and not their picture! 

Trust me, I've tried to put looks aside (plenty of posts to come on that point), and that is complete and utter bullshit.  Let's face it.  Looks do matter, and if you say they don't, you're just trying to make yourself and others think that you're a better person.  Sorry.

Ok, back to signing up...  So I could only read these guys' profiles and of course I wanted to know what they looked like when I began receiving messages from them.  What if I was missing out and one of these guys was the elusive "Tall, Dark & Handsome" (TDandH)???  The love of my life could be messaging me right then and there, and I would never know it because I was too cheap (and embarrassed) to sign up.  THIS IS HOW THEY SUCK YOU IN!!

The rationalizing side of me took over, as usual, and decided that if I could find a good online coupon (again, I am Jewish - It's allowed!), I would do it.  Well wouldn't you know, there was a good online coupon.  There I was, officially a paying member of the eharmony community.  I had joined the thousands of other singletons, humming "This Will Be," as I began clicking through pictures and analyzing profiles.

Welp, here goes nothing

After some encouragement from several of my friends, I have decided to record my trials and tribulations of online dating (and dating in general).  Apparently, my stories just keep getting better and better, so why not share them with the general public?

For right now, I'll be blogging anonymously, because let's face it, I'm still embarrassed by the whole online dating process.  Plus, if I make fun of a certain date, I'd rather they not know it was me. Edit: It's been decided... I'll be blogging as K.

So the next few posts are going to be a general catch-up on the experiences that I've had so far on dating sites.  (And for my friends that encouraged me to write and are reading this now... I have tried more than one site, but didn't really want to admit it, but for the sake of the blog, I will have to do so.  Sorry!)

So sit back and relax, and enjoy the blog!